After All This Time, I'm Still Into You
by MCMGlove
Summary: The only thing Castiel Novak ever wanted was for he and Dean Winchester to be together. He didn't want a fairytale prince or the "perfect romance". He just wanted Dean and a non-complicated relationship. Too bad for Castiel that Dean Winchester never did anything that wasn't complicated. (Sequel to What's the Matter? You Don't Think You Deserve to Be Loved?)
1. Chapter 1

**September 25****th**** 2016**

"_Jesus_, Dean. You look…_terrible_. What happened?" Sam asked as his older brother took a seat across from him at the large, circular table.

Dean's left eye was completely swollen shut and he had long purple and blue bruises scattered down both of his arms, the ugly marks clashing violently with the orange jumpsuit he was wearing.

He looked as though he hadn't slept in days and his good eye was bloodshot.

"Good to see you too, Sammy," Dean retorted sarcastically before throwing an agitated look over his shoulder at the guard standing directly behind him. "Seriously, dude? Can I at least talk to my brother without you breathing down my fucking neck?" he asked, surprised but relieved when the man actually took a couple steps back.

"…Well?" Sam huffed impatiently once Dean's attention was solely on him. "What happened? Did that Alastair guy do this to you?" the younger boy inquired, his fists clenching as a feeling of rage began to bubble up in his chest.

"It's not a big deal, _Samantha_. I'm in prison, not daycare. Fights happen," Dean jeered as he leaned forward, resting his battered forearms on the cool metal surface of the table.

However, even though Dean was trying to play it off as nothing, his feud with Alastair went far beyond just two men with a disdain for each other.

Alastair _wanted_ Dean.

He wanted him for a number of reasons. He wanted to **own** Dean, to **break** him. To make the younger man his bitch.

But Dean would be damned if he'd EVER let that happen. He'd rather die.

Not that he would admit any of that to Sam. Besides, telling Sam about Alastair's intentions would only make him worry, and that was the last thing Dean wanted. It was his job to worry about Sam, not the other way around. Dean was Sam's big brother and he would protect him at all costs. Even if it was detrimental to his own situation.

"…Dean…Just be careful, please?" Sam begged, tears brimming around the corners of his eyes.

And the sight nearly broke Dean's heart into a million pieces. This was the first time in three weeks that he'd see his baby brother and not five minutes into their visit, Sam was already crying over him.

Son of a bitch.

"Sammy, careful is my middle name," Dean teased in an attempt to lighten the mood, flashing his younger brother an award winning smile.

"You're a fucking idiot," Sam shot back, earning a scowl from Dean.

"Hey, watch your mouth. I can't imagine aunt Ellen lets you talk like that," the older man grumbled.

"….I'm sixteen, asshole. I can curse whether aunt Ellen let's me or not. And don't act like you didn't do your fair share of cursing when you were my age," Sam said defensively. "…Besides, I don't use that kind of language in front of her…"

"Ha! That's what I thought, you little bitch. She'd tan your hide if she heard you talking like that," Dean taunted, smiling genuinely for the first time in what seemed like forever. "How you doing there, by the way? Living with two chicks driving you crazy?" he asked suddenly.

Ellen Harvelle, although she wasn't Dean and Sam's actual aunt, had been a good friend of Mary Winchester's and was the closest thing they had to a mother since their own had passed away.

And when Dean was arrested in July for armed robbery and assault, with an illegal possession of narcotics charge to boot, Ellen had not hesitated to take Sam in and raise him as her own.

"Actually, it's not _that_ bad," Sam confessed with a little chuckle. "Jo's a bathroom hog but besides that, it's nice living with them. Jo's kinda like the big sister I never wanted."

"Hey, don't get too comfortable, dude. I wouldn't wanna have to fight Ellen's only daughter for the title of best sibling," Dean joked, the smile fading from his face when Sam scoffed.

"Don't be ridiculous, Dean. I'm moving back in with you as soon as you get out. I love Ellen and Jo, but you're my family and you're the best brother anyone could have," Sam told him earnestly, the younger boy's declaration causing Dean to blush.

"Jesus, Sammy. Enough with the chick flick crap. Seriously, if I were you, I wouldn't be so excited to go back to living with the dude that can't even afford to buy a house where you can have your own room. I bet you're sleeping in a warm, comfortable bed and eating home cooked meals every night at Ellen's. That's a huge set up from crashing on my ratty-ass couch and trying not to cry every time you see Ramen or a peanut butter sandwich. Why would you wanna come back to live with me?" Dean asked, cringing when his younger brother's eyes saddened, a hurt look appearing on his face.

"Because you're my brother and it's us against the world, remember? I don't care if we live in a cardboard box and eat cat food. At least we'll be together," Sam said with conviction.

Beaming with pride, Dean nodded his agreement as he silently thanked any deity that was listening for having such a great brother like Sam. It was extremely comforting to know that even if everyone else in his life abandoned him, Sam never would. No matter what happened.

"So, you excited for junior year?" Dean asked, desperate to get away from all the touchy, feely shit Sam had brought up.

He was so not in the mood for feelings.

At one point in time, Castiel might have been able to force that sentimental garbage out of Dean…but not anymore.

Castiel had broken up with him five months prior and since then, Dean had bottled up every little emotion he felt out of self-defense.

He knew it was wrong, and he knew it wasn't healthy, but Dean couldn't help it. He had lost the love of his life because of his self-destructive nature and that feeling of emptiness had almost killed him.

That was why, after a short stretch of drinking at all hours of the day and fucking anything that moved, Dean decided to put his heart on lockdown. Making a promise to himself that he'd never love anyone the way he loved Castiel again. That he would never allow himself to be **_that _**open and vulnerable with another person.

"As excited as a person can be about school, I guess," Sam replied, snapping Dean back to reality.

"Oh shut up, ya nerd. Don't pretend you aren't thrilled," the older man teased.

"Dude, whatever. How are you?" Sam asked all of a sudden, catching his big brother off guard. "How you talked to Ellen? Or…dad? …Castiel…said he sent you a letter about a month back…"

"I got it," Dean mumbled, looking down at the table. "…I just…I can't open it, okay Sam?"

"Dean, just…talk to him…He misses you…" Sam sighed, giving Dean his best set of puppy dog eyes.

"…Really? Well, isn't that funny. Cause he didn't seem too interested in talking to me when I was breathing fresh air," Dean gritted out.

"Don't even go there, Dean. Don't you dare act like Castiel wasn't justified for avoiding you after you guys broke up…You were out of fucking control, dude. And he stuck around and put up with so much of your shit for a ridiculously long time…He even accepted the fact that you _hunt_ without trying to have you committed," Sam seethed, his voice low enough so the guard behind Dean couldn't hear him.

Narrowing his eyes at Sam, Dean let out a frustrated huff but didn't argue. Honestly, he couldn't. Sam was right, as much as Dean hated to admit it. He had pushed Castiel too far, given him no other choice but to break up with him.

After Dean had dropped out of high school, he had felt utterly lost. All of his friends had abandoned him and Dean's father had cut all ties with him. Not to mention, he and John had fought a long, brutal custody battle for Sam and when Dean finally won, he fucked that up too.

As it turned out, raising Sam on his lowly salary from the garage was near impossible and after months of putting his brother to bed hungry, Dean decided to do something drastic.

Cue him getting mixed up with the wrong crowd and eventually starting to knock over fancy houses when the owners weren't home.

Hey, it had been good, easy money and Dean honestly couldn't say he felt bad robbing those rich assholes.

But that wasn't the only stupid thing he had gotten into.

Along with convincing him to burglarize private property, Dean's new friends also introduced him to the wonders of popping prescription drugs. And in no time, thanks largely in part to his addictive personality, Dean became hooked on Vicodin and Oxycodone.

Which was why, after months of arguing, and a couple pretty nasty physical altercations, Castiel _finally_ called their relationship quits. And Dean hadn't blamed him one fucking bit. Despite the fact that it hurt like hell to know that he'd driven the only person he'd ever loved to the edge like that.

And just five months later, when he had reached rock fucking bottom, Dean had been arrested for breaking into a house just outside of Anderson. The assault charge he was facing had been thrown into the mix because he was forced to defend himself against the owner, who had stumbled in on him trying to steal his big screen TV.

Dean had ended up breaking the guy's nose, but because he was an idiot and decided to get high before he went out that night, he was unable to make a clean getaway and voila, here he was. Serving an eight month prison sentence and forced to do some fucked up shit to feed his addiction.

Honestly, Dean gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, "how the mighty have fallen." He'd gone from Anderson's golden boy to it's biggest disgrace in less than a blink of an eye. And he'd lost everything. His father, his brother, his friends...and his fiancé.

"…You're right, Sammy…I just…I can't talk to him, man. And I want you to tell him to stop writing me," Dean blurted out, causing Sam's jaw to fall open in shock.

"Dean," Sam began but stopped short when Dean raised his hands dismissively.

"I want him to move on, Sammy. I don't want him to spend one fucking second thinking about me…let alone setting aside time to write me a letter while I'm locked up for something he told me was going to come back to bite me in the ass. He deserves to find someone who will treat him right, who isn't so consumed by his pride to love him the way he deserves to be loved. I want him to have a great life in California with a respectable boyfriend, to spend time with his friends and party…to just be a normal college kid….Please…just tell him to forget about me…" Dean begged, hating that his voice had cracked more than once during his speech.

"…Jesus Christ, Dean…Why can't you just accept that you were good enough for him? He didn't want some storybook romance…Castiel just wanted to be with you. For almost two years I watched the way you two depended on each other, the way you _loved_ each other. I just don't understand why you're so willing to let something so special go," Sam confessed, sounding far wiser than any sixteen year old Dean had ever met.

"…Because…I'm a fuck up, Sam. I don't deserve someone as good as Castiel Novak. I never did," Dean sighed, receiving a murderous look from his younger brother.

However, before Sam could rip him a new one, the guard behind Dean announced that his visiting hours were over.

"…I'll…tell him to stop writing to you, Dean…but know that I think you're the biggest **idiot** God ever put on this earth," Sam groused as his brother and he stood up in tandem.

"Well, you can take comfort in the fact that you aren't the only one," Dean snorted before giving Sam a warm smile. "…It was good to see you, man…I'm glad you came by..."

"Yeah, you too…I miss you," Sam replied, his voice almost a whisper.

Clearing his throat, Dean avoided eye contact with his brother, feeling the guard's a hand wrap around his left bicep, trying to usher him away.

"Tell Ellen and Jo I said hi, okay? I'll see ya soon, Sammy," Dean called out to Sam as he made his way back to the massive steel door that led into the prison.

"…See ya…Jerk," Sam shouted, his eyes filling with tears again at the sight of Dean being herded back to the hellhole from whence he came.

"Bitch!" Dean chuckled, giving his brother one last playful grin over his shoulder before he was pushed through the doorway and out of sight.

Taking a deep breath, the happy expression on Dean's face disappeared, replaced with a scowl as he mentally prepared himself to be thrown back into the mix with robbers, murderers, and thugs. All of them wanting nothing more than to break his will.


	2. Chapter 2

_*Author's note: Just real quick guys, I wanted to let everybody know this fic contains mild knife play.*_

**Friday: December 9th 2016**

The day started out like any other. Castiel got up at six thirty that morning, grabbed a quick shower, got dressed and had breakfast with Pamela, before they both headed to work.

When Castiel got to the office, nothing exciting happened, just a typical work day consisting of him filing documents, answering the phone, and setting up appointments.

Mr. Talley, or Jake as Castiel's boss insisted that the younger man should call him, was particularly flirty that day, but it wasn't to the point that Castiel would have considered it an anomaly. Jake often popped by his office to chat or to "observe" Castiel's progress and work ethic.

Castiel knew it was just an excuse for Jake to try to seduce him, but he ignored the older man's mildly inappropriate behavior because he loved his job and he knew Jake was harmless. More importantly, despite his stubbornness, Jake was highly aware that Castiel wasn't interested and had no plans to change his mind. That was why Castiel let his boss' colorful comments just roll off his shoulders. Jake's flirtation was merely a game, a challenge to see if he could persuade Castiel to give him a chance, even though he knew he was fighting a losing battle.

And on that particular Friday, Jake had given up on him quite early. Most likely due to the fact that the entire staff was beyond busy, attempting to wrap up everything so they wouldn't have to work over the weekend.

Not that Castiel was complaining. If he was being honest with himself, he really loved busy days like that. And it was no secret that he preferred not having to entertain Jake while he was trying to focus on a task. Especially on a Friday when all of his lawyers were throwing mounds and mounds of paperwork his way. In fact, he had been so caught up in his work that day that he had decided to skip lunch, due largely to the fact that he wanted extra time to work on an important case for Mr. Bowen. And by the time he was on his way home that evening at six thirty, Castiel was ravenous.

On the plus side, however, since it was Friday and Castiel had only scheduled classes for Monday through Thursday, he wouldn't have to wait to get food until after school like he normally had to during the week.

Silently thanking his best friend for convincing him that going to class on Friday was ridiculous, Castiel made his way up the stairs to his apartment, unlocking the door and hurrying inside.

Shrugging off his jacket, Castiel tossed it over the black leather recliner he called his own in the living room before heading to the kitchen and flipping on the lights.

"Pammy? You home?" Castiel asked loudly on his way over to fridge, loosening the blue tie around his neck as he walked.

When his best friend didn't reply, Castiel pulled out his cell phone from the front left-hand pocket of his dress pants, dialing Pamela's number with one hand as he grabbed the milk with the other. Placing the phone up to his ear, Castiel used his head and shoulder to hold it in place while he shut the refrigerator and reached for the cereal which was sitting on the counter to the left.

"Hey Cassie," Castiel heard Pamela say through the phone as he worked to grab a bowl from the second shelf of the cabinet in front of him.

It was not the healthiest of dinners, but Castiel had been craving Trix and damn it, he was going to get what he wanted.

"Hi there, are you comin' home tonight?" Castiel asked, putting the milk back in the fridge so he could get a spoon from the drawer before going over to the kitchen table.

Sitting the large bowl of cereal down, he then completely removed his tie, putting it to the side and out of the way so he wouldn't get milk on it.

And once his tie was out of the way, Castiel untangled the chain that hung around his neck, running his thumb gently over the golden band that formally served as his engagement ring.

Truthfully, Castiel had no idea why he still wore such a painful reminder of his ex-boyfriend. All he knew was that every time he tried to take it off, he was seized with regret and couldn't force himself to part with the ring.

"Nah, I'm stayin' with my baby," Pamela replied, her voice bringing Castiel back to reality.

Shaking his head, he put the ring on the inside of his shirt before scooping a large spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

"That's three nights in a row at Benny's, huh? Y'all are getting serious," Castiel teased with his mouth full.

"Shut up," Pamela retorted. "What about you? Please tell me you're doing something fun tonight that doesn't involve lying in your bed, eating ice cream and/or listening to sad music."

"Fuck you, Pam. It's not a crime to like staying in on the weekend," Castiel grumbled.

"C'mon, dude! Just call Randal! I'm sure he'd love to take you to a movie or dancing or something to get you out of the apartment," Pamela said in a concerned tone.

"Pamela, it's not fair for me to keep calling Randal…I feel like I'm stringing him along…" Castiel admitted sadly.

He had met Randal Wilson during his third semester at Stanford in a creative writing course that focused on poetry, of all things. The two of them had hit it off immediately, but Castiel had made it clear that he wasn't interested in anything but friendship. He had still been with Dean at the time.

However, now that Castiel was single, Randal had been laying the charm on thick. And while Castiel couldn't deny that Randal was easy on the eyes, he just wasn't looking for romance at that point in his life. Castiel was so done with _boys_ in general thanks to one in particular that had broken his heart into a million pieces and then stomped on the shards.

"He knows you aren't looking for anything but a friend right now, Cassie. He understands that you are still hurting from your break up with that motherfucker whose name I refuse to say and he wants to help. The boy has got it bad, but it's plain to see he will do whatever it takes to make you happy," Pamela told him.

"That's my point! I can't give him what he wants and it kills me. Randal is a really great guy, I don't want to hurt him," Castiel huffed in an exasperated tone.

"I know…But you like him, don't you? I mean, you guys kissed and you were into, right?" Pamela asked.

"Yes, I like him and we kissed…but…" Castiel sighed, letting his voice trail off.

"What?" Pamela questioned and Castiel could hear the skepticism in her voice.

"…Every time I get close to Randal…when I kiss him…I feel like….I feel like I'm betraying Dean," Castiel blurted out.

It was ridiculous, but Castiel couldn't help it. Whenever Randal pulled him close, softly pressed their lips together, Castiel's mind immediately jumped to the image of Dean, his green eyes filled with disappointment and mistrust.

"Castiel Joseph Novak! Are you kidding me? You broke up with that assfuck, what, ten months ago? And since then you've been anti-social and frankly, obnoxiously sad! Jesus, having feelings for Randal is not betraying…that bastard. It's called moving on," Pamela scolded, letting the frustrations that she had been hiding erupt to the surface.

Castiel and Dean's break up had been a particularly large blow to Pamela's ego because for a while, Dean had actually gained her trust. She had given their relationship her full support despite her qualms about Dean's moral character and it had come back to haunt her. And needless to say, Ms. Barnes had learned from her mistake.

"…I know you don't like him, Pammy…And I know he betrayed our trust more times than I can count but…he was drowning…and he didn't know how else to handle all the setbacks in his life. Dean lost his dad and his friends because of me. It was an avoidable situation but I pushed him into coming out and his fucking nightmares came true," Castiel replied somberly.

"…Castiel, Dean_ chose_ to come out for you. You didn't force him to do anything. God, you are not the root of Dean Winchester's issues. He was fucked up long before he made his big gay confession. And how you can honestly sit there and act like he's the victim after all the shit he put you through is beyond me."

"Dean didn't asked to be emotionally damaged, Pammy. Yes, he's got a lot of issues and they were there long before we started dating…but he's…He's an amazing person…and just because Dean doesn't believe he's worth fighting for that doesn't mean I do."

"…I can't believe I'm wasting my Friday night listening to you defend Dean Winchester," Pamela deadpanned, and even though he didn't want to, Castiel couldn't help but giggle.

However, before Pamela could continue her rant, there was a knock at their apartment door.

"Hey, let me call you back, someone is here," Castiel told her as he stood up.

"I'm not finished with you," Pamela warned.

"Yeah, yeah. Bye bestie," Castiel mocked on his way to the living room.

"Bye asshole," Pamela shot back before the line went dead.

Chuckling softly to himself, Castiel put his phone in his pocket as he reached his destination.

Not bothering to look through the peephole, he had a mild curiosity as to who his visitor could be as he turned the knob and pulled open his front door.

And boy, did he get a surprise.

Gasping, Castiel stood there dumbfounded, focusing his gaze on the man standing in his doorway.

"Hey baby," Dean cooed, his green eyes bright as ever, staring at him with nothing but tender affection.

"…Dean…" Castiel whispered, unable to process what was happening.

Dean had visibly aged and no longer had a boyish look about him. His face was now thin; all of his baby fat gone, making his cheek bones more pronounced. And even though Dean had always had a strong jaw, it looked look even more defined under the scruff he had on his face.

Continuing to look him over, Castiel also noticed that his ex-boyfriend had put on at least fifteen pounds of muscle, and was far leaner than he used to be. He had changed so much. But the one thing that hadn't changed was his smile. It was still warm and comforting, luring Castiel in as they stood there, studying at each other.

And the longer their gaze lingered, the more Castiel wanted to hug Dean. But he just couldn't.

When Dean and he had parted ways ten months prior it had not been pretty, and it was downright agonizing for Castiel just to be standing there, face to face with the man he both loved and hated.

"…You mind if I come in?" Dean asked finally, after what seemed like a life time of silence.

"…Um…Oh, sorry…Please," Castiel stammered, moving to the side so Dean could enter the apartment.

Giving him a small nod, Dean accepted the invitation, walking past Castiel and into the living room.

Once his ex-boyfriend was inside, Castiel, who was no longer distracted by Dean's face, soon realized that the other man was carrying a large green duffle bag. Which he eyed suspiciously as Dean sat it down on the floor near his recliner.

"…Forgive me for being so rude…but do you have anything to eat?" Dean questioned all of a sudden, turning around to face Castiel.

"I…Um, yeah…This way," Castiel replied, shutting the door before motioning for Dean to follow him as he walked to the kitchen on autopilot.

What the hell was going on? How in the name of all that was holy was Dean there? He was supposed to be in prison for fuck's sake!

"Cereal for dinner, huh?" Dean wondered playfully, distracting Castiel from his internal freak out.

Realizing they were now in the kitchen, Castiel looked over to see Dean standing by the table, watching him closely.

"Yeah…It sounded good so…Um, would you like a bowl?" Castiel inquired from his spot behind the kitchen island that separated the table from the actual cooking area.

"That would be great," Dean replied gratefully as he shimmied out of his leather jacket that he always wore.

Trying not to stare, Castiel turned his attention to pouring Dean a bowl of cereal but not before he noticed that the green eyed man was wearing a red flannel shirt. The one he _knew _was Castiel's favorite.

It was long sleeved, but Dean had them rolled up to his elbows, the material bunching up around his muscular forearms. And Castiel couldn't believe that, even in a state of shock, he was so distracted by how good his ex looked.

Taking a deep breath, Castiel tried to gather his wits and focused on completing his task.

And once he had poured Dean a bowl of cereal, he walked over to the table to see that his guest was now seated to the right of his spot, eyeing him curiously.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Castiel asked as he sat the bowl of cereal in front of Dean.

"Beer if you have it," Dean said, shooting Castiel a sly little smirk when he handed him a spoon.

"Luckily for you, Pamela has a fake ID and a taste for El Sol," Castiel teased, going over to the refrigerator to get Dean one of his best friend's beers.

He then grabbed a bottle opener, wrenching back the top before taking the drink to his guest.

"Barnes is going to be so pissed when she finds out I drank one of her beers," Dean laughed as Castiel handed him the beverage.

Rolling his eyes, Castiel sat down at the head of the table so that he was facing Dean. Choosing not to reply, he gave Dean a small nod instead, watching as the older man began to eat his cereal like a starving dog who had just found a steak.

"Whoa, Dean, slow down babe. You'll make yourself sick," Castiel found himself saying, reaching out to lay his hand on Dean's left forearm.

Stopping mid-bite, Dean lowered his spoon, his eyes focusing on the place where Castiel was touching him.

"…Sorry Cas…I haven't eaten in a few days…" Dean admitted, smiling at him warmly when Castiel began to move his thumb gently across one of the several tattoos that covered his left forearm.

Some of them were old, and some of them Castiel had even been present for when Dean got them. But the tattoo that had caught his eye was one Castiel had never seen before, large black lettering in beautiful, loopy cursive that read _She's a kindhearted lady. She studies evil all the time. She's a kindhearted woman. She studies evil all the time_. He recognized the writing as lyrics from Dean's favorite song Traveling Riverside Blues by Led Zeppelin, and Castiel had to admit, the tattoo was quite fitting.

Daring to look up, he found himself locking eyes with Dean, the older man's smoldering gaze making Castiel's heartbeat quicken.

It was true that Dean looked older, and far different from the Dean he had once called his own. But, admittedly, this new Dean was just as, if not more, intriguing than the former.

He was so much more confident, if that was even possible. And the air of dominance that had always surrounded him had turned up a notch, causing Castiel's body to hum with excitement.

"I have to admit, Cas, I sure as hell missed the way you look at me," Dean confessed, his tone smooth and seductive. The older man's statement breaking the silence that had fallen between them and sending a shiver up Castiel's spine.

"…Dean..." Castiel said nervously, his cheeks heated with blush. "…How are you even here? I thought you weren't supposed to be released until February?" he asked, finally gathering the courage to speak.

"I wasn't…but I got out early," Dean informed him, sliding his left arm back so that he could lace his fingers with Castiel's.

"You mind elaborating, Winchester?" Castiel questioned, trying to ignore the incredible feeling surging through him as a result of Dean's touch.

"Overcrowding and good behavior, baby," Dean chuckled as he gave Castiel's hand a small squeeze.

And even though that was nowhere near a good enough answer for Castiel, younger man forced himself to refrain from pressing his ex further, giving Dean a quick nod instead.

"…I see…And you're in California because?" Castiel asked, hoping to make sense of the whole situation.

"Hunting," Dean replied simply, earning a frown from his ex-boyfriend.

"Please tell me you already took care of whatever it is you were after? Cause if you think I'm letting you leave this apartment to go put yourself in danger without a fight, you are delusional," Castiel chastised.

Trying to hide a smile, Dean brought the back of Castiel's hand up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. "Don't worry, Cas. It was a run of the mill shape shifter, and I finished the job before I came here," he explained.

Dean's intention was to ease Castiel's mind, however, his words had the exact opposite effect on his ex. The color draining from the younger man's face as he slowly processed the information.

"…A shape shifter?" Castiel inquired, feeling his blood run cold.

Carefully, he then pulled his hand out of Dean's, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Cas what-," Dean began, but fell silent when he realized why Castiel was acting so strange. "It's me, baby," he promised, reaching out to take his ex's hand once more.

Jerking away from Dean's touch, Castiel got up quickly, taking a couple steps backward when the other man stood up as well.

"If you're really _my_ Dean, then prove it," Castiel demanded, feeling his lower back hit the island behind him.

"And how would I do that, Cas?" Dean questioned slyly as he stalked forward, his movements almost predatory.

"Si-silver," Castiel stuttered as his ex stopped just in front of him.

"Good boy," Dean purred, reaching down into the right-hand pocket of his jeans to produce a small silver knife.

Then, without hesitation, he handed the blade to Castiel, who took it timidly, his hand visibly shaking as he wrapped his fingers around the hilt. And once Castiel had a good grip on the knife, Dean presented his right forearm to him palm up, exposing the soft, pale flesh.

"…_Dean_…" Castiel breathed out, looking up into his ex's green eyes which were hooded with lust.

"C'mon baby, you know what to do," Dean coaxed, sounding completely wrecked.

And hearing the rugged, seductive tone of his ex-boyfriend's voice was enough to make Castiel's whole body shudder with pleasure.

Trying not to cum right there on the spot, Castiel focused his mind on obeying Dean, placing the knife against his arm just below his elbow. Biting his bottom lip, Castiel applied a small amount of pressure as he drug the blade across Dean's skin, blood instantly trickling down edge of the weapon.

Studying the wound thoroughly, Castiel saw that Dean's skin didn't sizzle or react to the silver in any way, to which he let out a sigh of relief.

"I'm proud of you, Cas," Dean praised as he moved closer to him so that they were chest to chest. Stifling a moan, Castiel willingly let Dean take the knife out of his hand. "You did well."

Holding his breath, Castiel kept his eyes on Dean as the older man lightly trailed the blade over the right side of his neck. It was only to tease him, not even breaking the skin, but the action made Castiel's dick stand at attention.

Truthfully, it was a little bit absurd to Castiel that something so off-kilter could turn him on. Sure, he had known for a while that he was into some pretty kinky shit, but it was Dean's high risk nature that had awoken his experimental, downright wild side, in the bedroom. And during the course of their relationship, which had lasted almost two years, Dean and Castiel had discovered a handful of extreme but mutual kinks. One of those being knife play.

They had both tumbled to their interest on the subject a whole year earlier when Dean was teaching Castiel how to handle a blade. The younger man had been nervous, his hands unsteady and somehow, he'd ended up accidently slicing open Dean's thumb. However, when Dean's reaction to the cut had been one of pleasure and not pain, Castiel wasn't able to stop himself from exploring his boyfriend's kink further.

"Only you, Dean Winchester, could show up completely unexpected, ten months after what I'd classify as one of the worst break ups two people could ever go through, and in less than twenty minutes have me pinned against you like a needy whore…despite the fact that I am still so fucking angry at you," Castiel panted, raising his hands up to grip the tops of Dean's shoulders.

"Ten months, Cas. It's been ten months since I've seen this gorgeous face of yours," Dean cooed, running his left thumb over Castiel's cheek. "Not talking to you, not being able to touch you…Do you have any idea what that did to me? If you did, you wouldn't be so surprised that I didn't waste any time getting close to you…I nearly went out of my mind missing you, baby," he added as he used the knife to cut off the top button on Castiel's shirt.

"And is that supposed to make up for everything that's happened between us? The lies, the abuse...all the shit you put me through…What? You seriously think I'm just going to throw myself at you like a wanton slut because you missed me?" Castiel asked, digging his fingers into Dean's skin.

"No, I don't think that," Dean replied, running his left hand seductively down Castiel's chest, not stopping until he reached his crotch. "I think you're going to throw yourself at me like a wanton slut because even though you'd never admit it, you missed me too. You've missed the way I make you feel…how we were…and I know you want me right now, just as much as I want you," he continued, rubbing the bulge in Castiel's pants with his palm.

And with his right hand, Dean slid the knife down Castiel's chest. The blade cutting through the fabric of his dress shirt and nicking his skin, blood instantly absorbing into the cotton.

"Fuck!" Castiel moaned as his ex leaned forward to lick the wound he had made.

"C'mon Cas, please," Dean mumbled against the younger man's chest.

"Dean," Castiel breathed out, his legs turning to Jell-O when Dean looked up him, the green eyed man's gaze so intense he had to fight back a whimper.

"What do you have to lose, baby?" Dean asked as he sat the knife down on the counter behind Castiel. "The issues between us are still going to be there when we're done…and it's not like we can make them any worse….Let's pretend, just this one night, that we still belong to each other…That we're still each other's everything. Please let me make you feel good like I used to," he begged, and that was all it took for Castiel to crumble at his feet.

"_Yes_," Castiel whispered urgently.

And with his ex's consent, Dean wasted little time surging forward to kiss Castiel feverously.

"Fuck, Cas…Missed you," Dean moaned into the younger man's mouth.

"…Missed…you too," Castiel gasped between hot, sloppy open mouth kisses.

Wrapping his arms around Dean's neck, Castiel breathed in the other man's scent as they continued to kiss each other passionately. The smell of his ex's cologne mixed with leather and soap bringing back good memories and causing a feeling of comfort to spread through Castiel's body.

There was no denying he missed this…missed Dean. Being this close to his ex-lover again was exactly what he had been craving. For ten months, there was an emptiness in Castiel's heart that he knew only Dean could fill. And now, Dean was there, kissing Castiel as if his life depended on it, making him feel safe and more secure than he'd felt in a **long** time.

It was just too good to be true, and Castiel was not about to pass up an opportunity to have one more night with the love of his life.

In retrospect, Castiel knew he was making a terrible decision. But he didn't care. He wanted Dean, missed him more than he could ever express despite all the pain and the heartbreak he'd caused him.

He was going to do this. He_ had_ too.

Besides, it wasn't like this was anything out of the ordinary. When it came to Dean Winchester, Castiel was the king of bad decisions.

Seriously, what was **one** more mistake between ex-boyfriends?

_TO BE CONTINUED…_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note: This is pure smut. Sorry not sorry. ;P _

"…Cas?" Dean gritted out suddenly as he pulled back from their kiss. "What the_ hell_ is that?"

Taking a moment to register Dean's question, Castiel couldn't hold back the smile that spread across his lips before he stuck out his tongue, revealing a small metal barbell.

"I got it a couple months ago," Castiel explained, using his pierced tongue to lick Dean's bottom lip.

While it was true his ex had changed drastically in the last ten months, so had Castiel. He was far more independent and adventurous. Castiel did what made him happy, and didn't worry about what other people thought of him or his choices.

He had spent too much time hating himself for being "different" and after he left Anderson, Castiel had made a promise to himself to never hide who he truly was again. And if someone didn't like him, well, that was their problem, not Castiel's.

"Fuck…That's so hot," Dean said in a gravelly tone between hot, sloppy open mouth kisses.

"_Dean_," Castiel moaned when he felt the other man's hand cup his erection firmly.

"You like that, Cas? C'mon, baby. Tell me how much you like it…tell me how much you missed me," Dean ordered, his left hand still working at Castiel's swollen cock.

"I missed you so much, Dean," Castiel confessed, so desperate for Dean's touch that he couldn't even worry about his pride.

Smirking, Dean then reached up with his right hand to undo the button on Castiel's pants, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise when the blue eyed man stopped him.

"Not here, babe…Follow me," Castiel managed to say as he wiggled out of Dean's grasp.

And once he was free, Castiel held out his hand to his ex-boyfriend, jerking his head in the direction of the hallway.

Seeming to comprehend, Dean threaded his fingers with Castiel's, following the younger man out of the kitchen, through the living room and into his bedroom.

"Nice set up you got here, Cas," Dean said as Castiel shut the door behind them.

Castiel's room was decently sized, equipped with a four poster bed and two small nightstands on each side of it. He had a big screen T.V. set up directly in front of the bed, his radio, plus two large speakers on the entertainment center beneath it.

"Benefits of having a good job and a decent paycheck," Castiel retorted, inadvertently taking a stab at his ex-lover.

"Right, as opposed to being a small-town mechanic who can barely support himself and his baby brother," Dean growled as he shoved Castiel back against the door.

"You had options, Dean. You could have gotten a second job…or asked me for help," Castiel seethed, so mad he couldn't even react when Dean ripped open his dress shirt, sending a handful of small, clear buttons cascading to the floor.

"I'm not going to have this argument with you again, Castiel. So just shut up and let me fuck you," Dean ordered as he yanked off Castiel's shirt.

Tossing the piece of fabric to the side, Dean leaned down to lick the tiny cut he had made on Castiel's chest earlier, eliciting a filthy sound from the younger man's mouth.

Threading his fingers through Dean's hair, Castiel responded to his ex's demand by roughly pulling on his short brown locks, a moan escaping his lips when Dean's mouth found his right nipple.

"Fuck, Dean," Castiel panted, pleasure coursing through his veins as Dean's tongue swirled around the dark colored tissue.

Humming in approval, Dean used his left hand to rub Castiel's other nipple, continuing to lick his right one teasingly, the stroke of his tongue short but precise.

"You want me to fuck you, baby?" Dean asked huskily before biting down on Castiel's nipple, causing the younger man to scream his name. "Want me to tie those pretty little wrists behind your back and have my way with you?"

"Y-yes," Castiel replied instantly, not even bothering to hide his desperation. "…But only on one condition," he added, pulling Dean back by the hair so he was looking up at him.

"What's that?" Dean inquired slyly, clearly enjoying Castiel's tight grip on his hair.

"Promise me you aren't high," Castiel demanded, and that was all it took to wipe the shit eating grin of the older man's face.

"You know I don't use when I'm hunting. I might be a self-destructive asshole but you _know_ I would never put innocent people in danger like just so I could get lit," Dean replied in an agitated tone.

"Excuse me, Mr. Winchester. I almost forgot how much of a self-righteous douche bag you are," Castiel mocked, receiving a warning smack to the side of his right thigh for his trouble.

"Get out your knees," Dean ordered as he took a step backward. "I think it's time you did something useful with that smart mouth of yours," he added coyly as he pulled off his boots.

Shooting Dean a sly smile, Castiel followed the older man's instruction and dropped to his knees in front of him. He then quickly undid his ex's jeans, pulling them and his boxers down to his ankles.

Leaning forward, Castiel trailed light, teasing kisses up Dean's left thigh, his hands firmly gripping the older man's hips.

"Is this what you want, babe?" Castiel asked deviously before nipping at Dean's inner thigh.

"Don't play dumb with me, you filthy little tease," Dean retorted with a chuckle as he tangled his fingers in Castiel's messy hair.

Huffing out a laugh, Castiel sat up on his knees before wrapping his right hand around Dean's erection, looking up at the older man flirtatiously as he began to stroke him at a slow pace.

Biting his bottom lip, Dean returned Castiel's gaze as his ex bent forward and swirled his tongue around the head of Dean's cock.

"That better, handsome?" Castiel wondered slyly, smirking at the sound of Dean trying and failing to hold back a moan.

However, before his ex could answer, Castiel wrapped his lips around Dean's cock, slowly sliding his mouth down the length.

"_Fuck_," Dean breathed out, his grip on Castiel's hair like a vice.

Beginning to bob his head at a steady pace, Castiel reached up with his left hand to massage Dean's balls. Making sure to press the stud of his piercing firmly against the underside of Dean's cock, he moved his tongue in a circular motion, earning a loud, filthy moan from his ex-boyfriend.

"…Y-ou fuck-ing sl-lut," Dean managed to chuckle when Castiel deep-throated his cock. "Yo-u k-now exac-tly wh-at to do w-ith that pier-cing," he added, and Castiel wasn't sure if his ex actually sounded jealous or if he was just imagining it.

Sliding Dean's cock out of his mouth with a loud, wet pop, Castiel looked up at the older man, tilting his head to the side.

"Are you implying that I didn't know what to do before I got the piercing?" Castiel asked, hating that he was feeling so confrontational, especially in his current position.

"You would take that as an insult," Dean huffed as he shook his head. "Take off your clothes and get on the bed. Lay on your stomach," he commanded suddenly, not giving Castiel a chance to reply.

Shooting the older man a defiant look just for spite, Castiel did as he was told, quickly standing up to remove his socks before taking off his pants and boxers.

Then, trying his best not to look as nervous as he felt, the blue eyed man walked over to his bed and crawled across the mattress so that he could lie down in the middle of it.

"Perfect," Dean purred, and Castiel could tell that he was removing the rest of his clothes as well by the faint sound of rustling fabric. "Put your hands behind your back."

Complying, Castiel crossed his arms behind him, letting out a surprised gasp when he suddenly felt the cool leather of Dean's belt being wrapped around his wrists.

"…Dean, please…" Castiel whimpered when the older man tugged on the belt, making sure the knot he tied was secure.

Trying to control his breathing, Castiel closed his eyes, unable to believe that Dean was actually there and that this wasn't just some crazy dream.

"That's it, baby. You know I love it when you beg," Dean chuckled before giving Castiel's left ass cheek a playful slap.

"Oh, fuck," Castiel gasped, suddenly feeling Dean's weight on top of him.

Lying flat against Castiel's back, Dean pressed his leaking erection between his ass cheeks as he began to rock his hips, teasing the younger man mercilessly.

"You'd give anything for me to be inside you right now, wouldn't ya, Cas?" Dean inquired sheepishly, his palms flat against the mattress on both sides of Castiel's shoulders as moved his hips agonizingly slow. "You're so fucking desperate for it, aren't ya?"

"Yes, Dean…please, please," Castiel mewled as he began to thrust his hips against the mattress, letting out a small sigh of relief at the much needed friction.

"Please what, Castiel?" Dean asked fiercely, grabbing a handful of his messy black hair before pulling on it hard. "Tell me what you want."

"I want you to fuck me, please," Castiel nearly whined as Dean bent down, nuzzling his face against the side of his neck. "Use me however you want, my body is yours…just please, fuck me hard," he pleaded, screaming Dean's name when the older man sank his teeth into his flesh.

"So fucking perfect, Cas…Missed you so much. Thought about you every fucking day that we were apart," Dean mumbled as he kissed his way down to Castiel's shoulder. "Where do you keep your lube, baby?"

"T-top drawer," Castiel managed to say, jerking his chin toward the table on the right side of his bed.

And with one last teasing thrust of his hips, Dean rolled off of Castiel to retrieve the lube.

"…Well, what do we have here?" Dean laughed as he sat the bottle of lube he had in his hand on the table to pick up the large, purple vibrator that was stashed away in the drawer.

"…Dean, stop messing around," Castiel huffed as he squirmed around on the bed, completely helpless with his hands tied behind his back.

"You really use this on yourself, baby?" Dean asked as he grabbed the lube once more, taking it and the vibrator with him as he positioned himself behind Castiel. "I'm not going to lie, I feel a little inadequate after seeing this monster," he teased, causing the younger man to gasp in surprise when he spread his ass cheeks apart, allowing the cool air to hit is warm, puckered hole.

"…It's not enough…Nothing gets me off the way your cock does," Castiel moaned, arching his hips when he felt Dean slide his tongue over his entrance.

"Fuck, baby…I told you, didn't I? I told you from the beginning that I'm the only one who could ever make you feel this good," Dean bragged as he licked Castiel open, fingernails digging into his ass cheeks.

"Dean! Please!" Castiel screamed, his cock trapped between his stomach and the mattress, throbbing and soaking wet with pre-cum.

"Such a good little slut for me, Cas," Dean cooed before running his thumb over lightly across Castiel's balls, sending a shiver up his spine.

"Dean, fuck me, _please_," Castiel implored desperately as he fought against his restrains, the leather leaving deep, long bruises on his skin.

"Always so impatient," Dean teased, earning a loud, wanton sound from Castiel when he sat up and grabbed the lube, popping open the cap to pour a generous amount of the clear liquid in his hand.

"Oh God, yes!" Castiel shouted in pleasure when Dean pressed his slick index finger inside him.

Smirking cockily, Dean began to circle his finger around Castiel's entrance, stretching him open. And with his free hand, Dean tugged gently on his balls, smearing some of lube over them that had dripped down Castiel's ass.

"Damn baby, I almost forgot how good you look stretched out around my fingers," Dean commented, his voice low and hoarse as he slipped another finger inside Castiel.

"Dean! Oh fuck, right there!" Castiel cried out when Dean found his prostate.

"Scream my name again," Dean growled, slapping Castiel's ass forcefully as the younger man screamed his name as loud as he could.

And as a reward, Dean added a third finger, making sure to hit Castiel's sweet spot with each thrust.

"Dean, I'm ready, please," Castiel gasped, his body vibrating with pleasure as Dean massaged his prostate.

"Mm, soon baby boy. But first, I want to see how you take this massive toy of yours," Dean chuckled, ignoring Castiel's pleas as he removed his fingers from inside him and grabbed the lube once more.

He then quickly picked up the vibrator, coating it with a ridiculously amount of lubricant before slowly inserting the toy into Castiel's greedy, stretched out hole.

"Fucck," Castiel hissed, every inch of his skin feeling as though it was on fire when Dean turned the vibrator on low and began to pump it in and out of him.

"You love that, don't ya, Cas?" Dean mused, using his free hand to tug on Castiel's restrains, contorting his body even further.

Whimpering in need, Castiel flexed his aching muscles, a delicious mixture of pleasure and pain rolling through his body as Dean began to fuck him harder with the toy, turning the setting up to medium.

"Oh, holy **fuck**," Castiel groaned when Dean's left palm connected with his ass cheek.

"Still enjoy having that perky little ass of yours spanked, Cas?" Dean wondered, continuing to smack Castiel's ass as he writhed beneath him.

"Yes! Please, don't stop," Castiel begged, loving the sting of Dean's hand connecting with his smooth flesh.

"Of course not, baby. You know how much I love spanking your ass raw," Dean growled as he delivered his most forcefully blow.

"Dean, please! I want to cum with you inside me…please!" Castiel beseeched, so painfully hard that he was on the verge of tears.

"You that desperate for my cock, baby? You miss me that much?" Dean asked, a sly smile painted on his thick, pink lips as he finally removed the vibrator from Castiel's ass.

"Yes! Missed you so much, Dean…Need you," Castiel babbled, anticipation brewing in the pit of his stomach when he felt Dean slide both his palms down his ass cheeks, teasing the sensitive skin.

"Missed you too, Cas. Don't worry, I'll give you what you want," Dean promised as he lined himself up with Castiel's entrance, the head of his cock pressing against the small ring of muscle. "…Fuck, wait…Condoms?" he inquired, his question awkwardly hanging in the air as Castiel tried to gather his wits.

Not that he blamed Dean for forgetting protection. When they were together it hadn't been an issue, and if Castiel was being honest, it actually enraged him to think of all the reasons why Dean was suggesting the use of a condom presently.

Especially when Castiel pathetically hadn't been able to be intimate with anyone else since Dean. Sure he'd made out with a few dudes at a couple of random college parties, even going as far as some seriously heavy petting. But he couldn't, or rather, wasn't ready, to sleep with someone else. Not when he still loved Dean so deeply.

"…I…don't have any…" Castiel admitted, his breathing ragged and uneven.

"…Shit…Hold on," Dean replied before hastily rolling off the bed to grab the spare condom he always kept in his wallet.

Then, once he was back on the mattress, Dean lifted Castiel up onto his knees so that his ass was in the air and his right cheek was pressed firmly against the sheets.

Ripping open the condom package with his teeth, Dean put it on in record breaking time before using the lube to slick himself up.

"Dean, hurry please," Castiel whined, his eyes rolling into the back of his head when Dean finally pushed into him.

"Fuck baby…missed being inside this perfect ass," Dean moaned as he bottomed out.

Opening his mouth to respond, Castiel had barely begun to speak when his words were drowned out by a filthy, wanton noise as Dean started to thrust his hips violently.

"Dean, yes!" Castiel yelled, loving the feeling of Dean's fingernails raking down his sides as he pounded into him.

"Still mine, aren't ya, sweetheart?" Dean asked shakily, sweat pouring down his chest.

"…Y-yes…I'm st-ill yours, Dean…al-ways," Castiel moaned, biting the mattress to keep from screaming in pleasure when Dean wrapped his right hand around his strained cock.

"…Love you, baby…so much," Dean whispered, his voice barely audible as he began to stroke Castiel's erection furiously.

With his left hand gripping Castiel's hip tightly, Dean continued pound into him, his movements frantic and completely lacking finesse. And it was clear that Dean was every bit as desperate and wanton for Castiel as Castiel was for him.

"**_Dean_**!" Castiel shouted as an intense orgasm washed over him, splashing long, warm ropes of cum all over Dean's hand.

Letting out a string of curses, Dean found his release seconds later as he came hard inside Castiel with a loud, filthy moan.

"Holy fuck," Dean breathed out, desperately trying to catch his breath.

"Mmm," Castiel mumbled in response, wincing slightly when Dean pulled out of him in order to tie off the condom and toss it in the trash bin to the left of his bed.

"You good, baby?" Dean inquired as he gently removed the belt from around Castiel's writs, allowing the younger man to turn over and stretch him sore muscles.

"…Y-yeah… I'm good…" Castiel lied, flexing his wrists in an attempt to get his blood circulating properly.

Truth be told, Castiel was far from okay. Dean had just shown up out of the blue and within minutes, Castiel had fallen back into his snare. He let his ex fuck him without a second thought, like some pathetic, needy whore.

And the worst part? Dean had told Castiel he still loved him. The information both exciting and terrifying him at the same time.

"Where's your bathroom?" Dean asked softly as he massaged his ex's left wrist.

"At the end of the hall," Castiel replied in the process of leaning back against his pillow. The tone of his voice was light and airy and his body still tingled as he continued to ride the high of his orgasm.

Nodding his head, Dean then got up and headed out of the room, returning several minutes later with a towel, Neosporin, two Advil and bottle of water.

Half asleep, Castiel watched as Dean sat the Neosporin, the water bottle and the Advil on the bedside table before he began to clean Castiel up as best he could with the towel.

Allowing the older man to wipe off his stomach, Castiel focused eyes on Dean's naked form, his eyebrows furrowing in displeasure when he noticed two long, nasty looking scars on his ex-boyfriend's abdomen.

"…What happened here?" Castiel asked in a concerned tone, reaching out to brush his fingertips over the marks that ran horizontal to each other, positioned just to left of Dean's belly button.

"Don't," Dean growled as he pushed Castiel's hand away.

Steadying his ex's face, Castiel could see that Dean was visibly upset at the mention of his scars even though he was desperately trying to hide the frighten look in his gorgeous green eyes.

"Dean, what happened?" Castiel repeated, the vulnerable look on Dean's face breaking his heart in two.

"…Please, Cas…Just drop it…" Dean begged, averting his eyes as he continued to remove the dry cum from Castiel skin.

And when he was satisfied with his handy work, Dean grabbed the antibiotic cream and rubbed some on the cut he'd made on the younger man's chest.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Castiel reluctantly backed off, extremely annoyed that Dean had reverted back to hiding his problems. Not that he was surprised. Dean had begun to spiral downward long before they had broken up and it was no shock that he had closed himself off once more.

But even though Dean's behavior wasn't an anomaly, it still hurt to know that the man who had once shared everything with couldn't even bring himself to tell Castiel who had harmed him.

"Here baby," Dean cooed, setting the tube of Neosporin down to hand Castiel the Advil.

"…Why…do you always do this to me, Dean?" Castiel mumbled, gratefully accepting the pills before taking the open water bottle his ex-boyfriend was holding out to him.

"What do you mean?" Dean asked in a confused tone as he watched Castiel take a large sip of water to wash down the Advil.

"…Get under my skin…Make it impossible for me to move on. Fuck, Dean…I like my life here. I have a great job and I'm enjoying my classes…I have friends whom I love….But I know, I _fucking_ know that in the morning you'll be gone and I'll be wishing for the days when it was just the two of us back in Alabama…" Castiel confessed, failing to hold back a sob.

"Cas…Jesus, I'm sorry…I just. Fuck, I'm so selfish," Dean sighed as Castiel rolled onto his stomach, the younger man unable to look him in the eyes.

"Why can't you just let me be okay without you?" Castiel wondered in a defeated tone, the memory of all the heartbreak and pain Dean had caused him suddenly flooding his mind.

"Because I'm a miserable asshole…and I have no idea how to be okay without you…" Dean confessed as he leaned forward to kiss the younger man's shoulder gently.

Biting his bottom lip to hold back a sob, Castiel allowed Dean to cover him with the blanket, his ex's words echoing in his ears and breaking his heart over and over again.

"…Will…you please just stay until I fall asleep?" Castiel dared to asked, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Of course, baby," Dean agreed without hesitation.

Scooting forward, the older man wrapped his arm around Castiel's waist, holding him firmly against his body.

And although the action shouldn't have been comforting to Castiel, he found his eyelids becoming heavy, the sound of Dean whispering sweetly in his ear coaxing him to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**June 27****th**** 2015**

_"I swear to God, Dean. If you walk out that door right now I __**won't**__ be here when you get back," Castiel threatened, placing his palms flat against his boyfriend's chest in an attempt to maintain some distance between them when Dean tried to take a step forward. _

_"I'll be back in no time, Cas," Dean huffed as he gently slid his hands down Castiel's forearms, "Just one job and I'm all yours," he added playfully, a sly grin spreading across his lips. _

_"…Job? Is that really what you call robbing people blind?" Castiel asked in outrage. "Or are you so fucking high that you've actually convinced yourself that breaking into someone's home and stealing their shit is an honest way to make a living?" _

_"I'm doing the best I can here, Cas! It's good money and it keeps Sammy fed," Dean yelled as he pushed Castiel's hands away, the narcotics in his system causing him to sway off balance for a moment before he regained his composure. _

_"What did you take?" Castiel inquired, his body trembling with anger. "And don't you dare tell me __**nothing **__because a blind person could see that you're high as a fucking kite right now." _

_Castiel always knew when Dean had taken pills because his reflexes, which were usually impeccable, where almost non-responsive and he acted sluggish. And his green eyes, normally bright and attentive, where glossy and hooded. _

_"Just a couple Oxy," Dean mumbled, looking down so that Castiel could no longer see his dilated pupils. _

_"…You promised you wouldn't do that shit when we were together…I'm only home for two months, Dean! And I don't want to spend the summer fighting or with you passed out on the couch cause you popped downers!" Castiel screamed, grabbing Dean by the wrist when he made a move to walk away. _

_"I'm done arguing with you, Castiel. I've gotta meet Ansem and the guys," Dean replied as he yanked his arm out of Castiel's grasp. _

_"You're in no condition to drive, Dean," Castiel told him, rushing forward to place himself between his boyfriend and the front door. _

_"Get out of my way, Castiel and stop acting like I'm some child you have to take care of," Dean commanded. "You can't just run off to California for months at a time and then come back to me thinking I'm going to obey your every fucking order." _

_Losing his temper, Castiel didn't even realize he had raised his hand until he landed a blow to the side of his boyfriend's face, the sound of the smack echoing through Dean's tiny, broken down house. _

_"Run off to California? Oh, is that what I do? Cause I could have sworn I was trying to get a higher education in order to make something of myself! Maybe you should fucking try it sometime, Dean!" Castiel seethed, a chill running down his spine when he saw the rage in his boyfriend's eyes. _

_"Get the__** fuck**__ out of my way," Dean repeated as he roughly shoved Castiel to the side. _

_Letting out a muffled yelp when his body collided with the back of the couch, Castiel ignored the throbbing pain in his left hip as he reached out to grab Dean's arm once more, this time failing to reach him._

_In a flash, his boyfriend was at the door and Castiel was immediately consumed with fear. He couldn't let Dean leave; he couldn't let his boyfriend put himself in danger __**again**__. _

_Without thinking, Castiel instinctively dashed forward, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist so that they were back to chest. _

_"…Please don't leave…Please…just stop putting yourself at risk…" Castiel whispered, nuzzling against Dean's shoulder. _

_"…I…" Dean sighed, momentarily relaxing against Castiel's body. "Cas, I gotta do what's best for Sammy." _

_"If you truly felt that way, you wouldn't even be thinking about leaving right now. You'd be lying in bed with your boyfriend eating junk food and watching movies…You'd be waiting for your brother to come home from his friend's house so you could ask him how his day was…Not going to meet those assholes," Castiel snapped back as he released Dean. _

_It was one thing for his boyfriend to be an addict and a criminal, but the fact that Dean was still trying to hide his true nature, to lie to Castiel, was just plain asinine and infuriating. _

_"I'll be back later," Dean gritted out, ignoring his boyfriend's comment altogether as he opened the door. _

_"Doesn't matter. I won't be here," Castiel said maliciously. _

_"Ha, right. You can stop putting on a show, baby. We both know exactly where you'll be when I get back," Dean replied, the cocky tone of his voice taunting Castiel._

_And without another word, Dean stepped out onto the porch, slamming the door behind him. _

**Saturday: December 10****th**** 2016**

Castiel woke up the next morning with a god-awful headache.

Sluggishly rolling onto his side, he checked his clock through squinted eyes to find that he had slept past noon.

"Shit," Castiel muttered under his breath as he pushed the covers back.

Sitting up with caution, he looked to his left to find that the space beside him was vacant and that Dean was nowhere to be found.

Typical Dean Winchester move. But damn, it still hurt like hell.

With a loud sigh, Castiel got up from his bed gingerly, every muscle in his body throbbing as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants and headed toward the living room.

Entering the hall, the faint sound of running water caught Castiel's attention and he instinctively turned his head to the right to find that the bathroom door was shut and that the light was on.

_Weird_. Pamela usually wasn't one to let Castiel sleep past ten, let alone noon.

However, before he could make his way over to the bathroom to confront his best friend, Castiel was startled by the sound of laughter coming from the living room.

"What the hell?" he wondered aloud as he walked down the hall, turning the corner to see a large group of people gathered around the coffee table playing Cards Against Humanity.

At the head of the table were Benny and Pamela. Abaddon and Meg to their left, and Andy, and Ava to their right.

"Good afternoon, Sleeping Beauty," Pamela jeered from her spot on the floor next to her boyfriend. "…Whoa…Cassie, what happened?" she asked suddenly, the smile on her face fading into a frown.

Raising his eyebrows in confusion, Castiel was just about to ask his best friend what she was talking about when Meg, the girl he'd met in his Philosophy in Religion class, cut him off.

"Damn Clearance," Meg drawled as she ranked her eyes down Castiel's bare chest. "I can't tell if you got into a fight or had some really kinky sex."

Feeling his cheeks heat up with blush, the memory of the previous night came flooding back into Castiel's mind and he couldn't help but lower his head in embarrassment.

"From that reaction, I'm guessing it was the latter," Abaddon, a fellow classmate of Pamela's, interjected with a chuckle.

"It's about time you got laid, dude!" Andy chimed in, a huge smile on his face.

Andy had been Castiel's lab partner during his first semester and since then, they had become extremely close friends.

"You hussy! FYI, dude, sex isn't an excuse not to answer your phone! I called you like six times this morning. And, what the hell was with the mess in the kitchen?" Pamela asked as she folded her arms across her chest, eyeing Castiel suspiciously. "Oh, and why did Randal bring a whole damn duffle bag of shit? Is he planning on moving in?"

"Ugh, wait! My brother did that to your neck? Gross!" Ava chimed in, visibly cringing.

Feeling his chest tighten, Castiel couldn't even gather even wherewithal to explain that he hadn't been with Randal the night before.

Mainly because he was too busy staring wide-eyed at the green duffle bag Pamela had pointed out that was sitting on the floor next to his chair.

Completely baffled, Castiel had just opened his mouth to respond to his best friend's inquiry when a terrifying thought popped into his mind, causing his breath hitch in his throat.

It had been Dean in the shower, not Pamela. Dean was** still** there.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

"Dude, you aren't looking so good…You gonna pass out?" Andy asked nervously, the whole group now looking at him like he was time bomb ready to explode.

Ignoring his friend's question, Castiel rushed forward to grab Dean's bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

"I'll be right back," Castiel murmur in a frantic tone as he quickly headed back to his room, leaving his friends in a silent state of shock.

Bolting through his door, Castiel nearly fainted when he saw Dean standing in front his dresser, singing _While You Loved Me_ by Rascal Flatts under his breath as he rummaged around for a pair of boxers.

And in that instant, the younger man's memory took him back to the days when Dean used to sing to himself while he cooked the two of them dinner. Dean loved to cook and Castiel often sat in the kitchen with him, watching as his boyfriend shuffled around preparing a meal. Dean would always be belting out some Metallica or Led Zeppelin song and the memory was honestly one of Castiel's favorites. Those times had been so peaceful and calm; times when he was afforded the chance to admire the beautiful man he had once called his own.

Wiping a tear from his cheek, Castiel cleared his throat, causing his ex to turn around abruptly.

"Oh, hey, thanks baby," Dean said in a cheerful tone, taking his duffle bag from Castiel who was in the process of shutting his door. "I was gonna come get this myself but I heard a whole bunch of noise and figured you didn't want your company seeing me in all my post shower glory," he added as he sat his bag on the bed in order to grab a fresh pair of boxers and his ripped, faded jeans.

"Why are you still here?" Castiel blurted out before immediately slapping a hand over his mouth.

"…Damn, Cas…" Dean chuckled without humor in his voice as he pulled on his boxers. "…Honestly, I tried to leave…but I just wanted to make sure you were okay before I ditched."

"…Well, I'm not okay, Dean. And you're only making it worse by toying with me," Castiel spat, wishing Dean would stop giving him false hope.

"I'm not toying with you, baby," Dean huffed as he buttoned his jeans, the worn denim fitting snuggly around his muscular thighs and firm ass.

"I beg to differ," Castiel retorted, his heart pounding in his ears as he ranked his eyes down ex's body hungrily.

Dean's hair was damp and messy, beads of water rolling down his bare chest as the jeans clung tightly to his hips. His jaw looked strong and well defined under a tamed layer of scruff and his bright green eyes were sparkling with mischief.

And if he was being completely honest, the sight before him was easily the hottest thing Castiel had ever seen, despite the fucked up nature of the whole situation.

"You know, Cas, you're kinda giving me mixed signals here," Dean pointed out as he walked toward his ex. "Last night you said you'd be upset to find me gone when you woke up…but now, you're practically pushing me out the door," he mused, trapping the younger man between his body and the wall.

"…If you were still here because you truly wanted to be that'd be one thing…" Castiel mumbled as he placed his palms flat against Dean's chest, trying to push him away. "But I know you, Dean Winchester, and you need something from me…otherwise you'd be long gone," he stated as he let his left hand trail downward absentmindedly.

Reaching Dean's stomach, it wasn't long before Castiel felt the rough, jagged outline of a scar underneath his fingertip, instinctively rubbing the raised skin with care.

Lightly running his thumb across the length of second scar, Castiel looked up into Dean's eyes, his chest tightening when he saw a flicker of pain streak across his ex's handsome face.

"Ouch, baby…Don't sugarcoat it or anything," Dean chuckled all of a sudden, whatever emotion he had let show on the surface completely gone now and replaced with a cocky attitude.

However, before Castiel say anything, Dean leaned down and kissed him like it was the most important thing he could ever do.

And even though he knew he should have resisted, Castiel returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck as the older man slipped his tongue into his mouth.

"…H-how mu-ch?" Castiel asked in a rough tone, moaning when Dean captured his bottom lip between his teeth, tugging on the sensitive skin.

"Really, Cas? Did you ever stop to think for a second that I might still be here just cause I wanted to spend a little more time with you?" Dean shot back, letting out a filthy noise as Castiel ranked his nails down his back.

"Of course," Castiel replied instantly, not failing to notice the way Dean's lips turned up at the corner upon hearing his answer. "But I deal in reality, babe, so I know that's bullshit. How much money do you need?"

Sighing dramatically, Dean ran his calloused palms up the younger man's chest until his hands were settled on Castiel's shoulders, holding him in place.

"…Three hundred," Dean confessed as he massaged his ex's tense muscles.

"Bastard," Castiel seethed, trying his damnedest not to cry.

"I'm sorry, Cas…I…just got myself in some trouble and I need to cash as soon as possible…I hate to ask you for it, honestly…And I wasn't lying, I really do want to spend more time with you," Dean promised as he pressed his forehead to Castiel's.

"Drugs or gambling?" Castiel asked in an agitated tone, cupping Dean's chin in his hand in order to force his ex to look him in the eyes.

"…Lost two hundred playin' poker…and I owe a dealer the rest…" Dean admitted, looking utterly ashamed.

"…._Dean_…Please tell me you didn't bring illegally obtained narcotics into my apartment?" Castiel gritted out, barely able to keep his voice even.

And when Dean failed to respond, Castiel pushed him away forcefully before heading straight for his duffle bag.

"What the fuck, Cas?" Dean nearly yelled as the younger man rummaged through his stuff.

Remaining silent, it didn't take long for Castiel to find small, clear bag of unmarked pills, his anger skyrocketing as he held them up for his ex to see.

"Do you even _care_ that you're incriminating me just as much as yourself by having these here?" Castiel asked in outrage, shaking the bag of pills in Dean's face. "What if your dealer was a fucking snitch? What if he was an undercover cop? If you got busted here I'd be just as responsible as you are! Jesus, Dean, it's called guilt by association!"

"Dude, fucking relax! He wasn't a snitch or an undercover cop. He was just some sleazy dealer at some random bar. Besides, I bought those in Nevada on my way to Cali. I'm pretty sure if I was gonna get busted by an undercover or a snitch, they wouldn't have let me leave the state," Dean teased, his failed attempt at humor making Castiel frown deeply.

"This all really is just one big fucking joke to you, isn't it? …Jesus Christ, Dean…What the fuck is wrong with you? You show up at my door out of the blue looking for sex, after months of refusing to speak to me, and now you're asking me for money and fucking with my emotions for fun! Right, Dean? Watching me fall apart in front of you is fun, isn't it? You sick fuck!" Castiel shouted, not the least bit surprised when he received a smack across his left cheek from Dean in response.

"You can blame me for fucking up our relationship all you want, because honestly, I deserve it. But don't you _dare _act like I get off on hurting you emotionally," Dean gritted out. "I hate seeing you in pain…especially because of something I've done and you **know **that."

"...Get the fuck out of my apartment," Castiel ordered, despite the fact that he didn't truly want Dean to leave.

"Whatever you say, baby. But just so you know, kicking me out doesn't change the fact that you begged me to fuck you last night," Dean said maliciously. "You can stand there and play the moral ex-boyfriend card if it makes you feel better about yourself but we both know given the chance, you'd do it all again. You always come crawling back to me any fucking time I want you."

"Really? That's funny, babe, because I could have sworn that **you** were the one who came crawling back to **me** last night," Castiel retorted just before Dean surged forward, crashing their lips together.

The whole situation was wrong and twisted, and Castiel should not have let Dean kiss him, reciprocate…But he did.

"…Le-ave," Castiel groaned between rough, sloppy kisses.

"_Fine_," Dean whispered, gripping his ex's hips tightly. "Give me the pills and I'll go," he said, pulling back to look at Castiel's face.

"No," Castiel replied sternly. "…I'll give you the money to pay off your debts but the pills are going in the garbage."

"Like Hell they are," Dean growled as he made a move to grab the plastic bag clinched firmly in Castiel's hand.

Yanking the bag away, Castiel stepped sideways, creating some distance between he and his ex.

"You can have the money or the pills, but not both," he told Dean, his heart beating faster than a rabbit's.

"_Fine_," Dean seethed. "Just give me the pills and I'll leave."

"…Jesus, Dean…Can't you see that you have a problem? If…if you'd just let me help…I could help you get better, babe," Castiel pleaded, a look of concern darkening his baby blue eyes.

"I don't have a problem," Dean said through gritted teeth as he clinched both his fists.

"Spoken like a true addict," Castiel spat back just before Dean punched him in the nose.

Teetering off balance for a moment, Castiel regained his composure just in time to dodge another blow from Dean, throwing a right hook of his own that connected with his ex's jaw.

Lunging forward, Dean tackled Castiel to the ground, knocking the plastic bag out of the young man's hand and sending the pills scattering across the floor.

"Why am I not enough for you, Dean?!" Castiel screamed as he and his ex struggled against one another. "Why couldn't you just be happy with me? Why'd you have to turn to stealing…to drugs? I loved you, Dean…Why wasn't I enough?"

"…Loved? As in past tense, baby?" Dean wondered as he roughly pushed Castiel onto his back, straddling the younger man's hips.

"…Don't…" Castiel begged, his vision blurring with tears.

"You **were **enough for me, Cas…More than enough…Jesus, I didn't deserve the amount of effort you put forth to deal with my bullshit. It wasn't that you weren't good enough for me, baby. It's that I wasn't good enough for you…And knowing that killed me…So I acted out, and like always you did the right thing and left me…it took you way longer than it should have but you left…" Dean panted, both his and Castiel's breathing labored from their tussle.

"…That's so fucked up…you're **_SO_** fucked up, Dean," Castiel sobbed, allowing his ex to pepper soft kisses down his tear stained cheeks.

"…After all these years, you've finally realized what everyone else has been trying to tell you from the beginning…" Dean laughed humorlessly. "…Well, better late than never...I guess."

"Yeah, that's it, babe. Turn the pain we're both feeling into a joke," Castiel mocked. "God… I wish…I just wish I could hate you," he bit out, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"…For what it's worth, I wish you could too, baby," Dean admitted as Castiel wrapped his arms around his neck.

And for a while, the two of them just laid there in each other's arms. With Dean's weight on top of him, Castiel felt secure, grounded, never wanting to move.

But he had to.

"…Dean, you have to go…I can't do this. I can't…" Castiel whispered, his voice filled with regret.

"I know, baby, I know," Dean replied as he sat up, his green eyes puffy and bloodshot.

"I…I can give you the three hundred dollars you need," Castiel offered as Dean got to his feet before helping him up.

"No…It's okay, baby. I've got a backup plan," Dean said with a small smile, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss to the bruise forming around Castiel's left eye.

Shuddering, Castiel looked at his ex suspiciously, terrified to know what this "backup plan" entailed.

"Dean, please…I don't want you breaking into someone's house…especially when I've got the money," Castiel begged, his heart dropping into his stomach upon seeing the emotionless, cold glint in Dean's beautiful green eyes that his words induced.

"I wasn't planning on stealing to get the money, Cas. I swore after I got busted I'd never do that shit again," Dean explained, the tone of his voice low and broken.

"…Then what's your backup plan?" Castiel asked, even though he had **NO** desire to hear the answer.

"Don't worry about it, baby. Just, please, don't waste any more of your time worrying about me," Dean mumbled as he knelt down, picking up the scattered pills one by one.

"I can't help it…I worry about you constantly. I care about you, Dean…and I always will," Castiel confessed, causing his ex to stare up at him wide-eyed.

"Why?" the older man asked incredulously.

"…You know why," Castiel replied in a quiet tone.

"Tell me," Dean ordered as he rose to his feet.

"…Because…."

With his chest heaving, Dean stared into Castiel's eyes, and Castiel knew he had to confess or Dean would go completely off the rails.

"Because I love you, alright? …I never stopped…" Castiel admitted, his voice barely a whisper as he turned away from Dean.

"I love you too, Cas," Dean whispered, tossing the bag of pills he'd picked up into his duffle before wrapping his arms around his ex-boyfriend.

"…Then please, just let me throw out the pills and give you the money…you don't have to leave…" Castiel pleaded.

Pressing a kiss to the side of Castiel's neck, Dean held him tightly for a few minutes, seemly trying to gather the courage to speak.

"I have to go, baby…For your sake, not mine. You said it yourself, Cas, I'm fucked up. And I'm not going to hang around and fuck up your life too," Dean said as he released Castiel, walking over to his duffle bag to grab a shirt.

"We could check you into rehab…And when you're clean we can start over. You could get a job out here and move in with me. It could work, Dean, if you were willing to try," Castiel suggested, looking at his ex with a hopeful expression.

"What about my baby brother? Am I just supposed to leave Sam back in Alabama? He hates staying with Ellen, Cas...Besides, he's my number one responsibility and when the court says I'm fit to have him back, I'm never leaving him again," Dean stated firmly.

"…Yes, Dean, Sam is partially your responsibility…but we both know until you get clean, you aren't fit to take care of a teenager. Besides, Ellen has the means and _wants _to take care of Sam. Why not let her? You did your part, babe. You raised your brother better than your father ever thought about…now it's time to focus on yourself," Castiel urged, receiving a dirty look from his ex.

"I already told you, Cas, I'm fine," Dean grumbled as he zipped up his duffle bag.

"No, you're not…You're just really good at pretending you are," Castiel retorted, his blood running cold when Dean picked up his luggage and headed toward the door.

"…It was good to see ya, baby…And for what it's worth, I'm really sorry," Dean sighed before disappearing into the hallway.

"So that's it? Really Dean?" Castiel asked angrily, following his ex out to the living room. "If you were going to fuck me and leave me, why couldn't you have just been gone before I woke up?"

Turning the corner, Castiel couldn't even bother to react to Pamela, who started shouting obscenities the very instant she saw Dean.

"What the **fuck **are you doing here?" Pamela seethed, staring daggers at Dean as he made his way toward the front door.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Barnes, I'm leaving," Dean barked, earning a downright murderous look from Benny.

"…Whoa, that is not Randal Wilson…" Meg commented thoughtfully as Abaddon, Andy and Ava watched intently at the drama unfolding before them.

"Dean, if you leave right now, you're not welcome back here. I'm tired of letting you run from your problems and being the one to deal with the disaster you leave in your wake," Castiel threatened.

"I'm sorry, Cas…I don't know what I was thinking coming here…I just..." Dean muttered, his hand on the door knob.

"You were just what, Dean? Looking for an easy lay? Being selfish? All of the fucking above?" Castiel growled.

"Maybe I just haven't disappointed you in a while and I didn't want you to think I was neglecting you?" Dean mocked in a venomous tone, shooting Castiel a dirty look over his shoulder.

"Deflection and sarcasm, so damn typical. Well, thanks for that, Winchester. You did a great fucking job," Castiel jeered as Dean flung open the door.

"I always aim to please, Novak," Dean taunted before slamming the door behind him, not even bothering to look back.

Shaking from head to toe, Castiel stared at the door blankly, a storm of emotions raging inside his mind as he fought to hold back the tears that threatened to escape his eyes.


End file.
